Rapture Me Not
On my drive to Asheville, NC this past weekend, I passed a multitude of billboards like the one below. According to multimillionaire Harold Camping, tomorrow is Judgment Day. You may have heard.
The idea of imminent rapture piqued my interest, so I looked into the matter, filling my brain with more than I ever wanted to know about the mathematically-inclined radio broadcaster and his cult of hopeful followers.
Although Camping’s 1994 doomsday prediction (clearly) turned out to be false, he has no doubts that this time he is on the right track. And why not? As you can see, the bible guarantees it! The alleged proof in favor of tomorrow’s rapture not only comes from the bible, but also from “indisputable” evidence in the form of devastating natural disasters and war, technological advances, economic crises, global governments…and, of course, the rise of the gays.
However, I’ve compiled a list of my own — a compendium of evidence in support of the impending demise of humanity:
- The Great Mississippi Flood
- The Sky is Falling
- Paris Hilton has a new reality show
- Sarah Palin has a NYT bestseller
- Extrasensory Perception (ESP) exists
- Touchdown Jesus is struck
- Kate and William postponed their honeymoon
- Charlie Sheen is no longer winning
- Obama becomes a US citizen
- Osama liked porn
- And, most notably, at this very minute I find myself wearing jeggings
Enjoy the rapture tomorrow, and have a lovely Sunday